And Just Like That,

In 2023 it seemed there was a resurgence of Sex and the City through its revival series 'And Just Like That'. Viewers had revisited the original series with fresh perspectives and it also seemed that everyone came to the conclusion that Carrie, was in fact, a cunt. 

Viewers often labeling her as self-centered and a poor friend. Moments highlighting instances where she prioritized her own dilemmas over her friends' needs, showcasing a lack of empathy. Carrie had a tendency to deflect responsibility for her actions, often blaming others for her own mistakes. A big example of this came with Natasha. The woman Big chose to marry. Carrie and Big rekindle their romance while he is very much married to Natasha. Despite knowing what she’s doing is wrong, she rationalizes it by saying she and Big are “meant to be” while dismissing Natasha’s feelings and role in the situation. And after sleeping with Big in Natasha’s own home, she gets caught. Natasha falls down the stairs and ends up with a broken tooth. Instead of stepping back she later stalks and visits Natasha at a restaurant to apologize, but the way she does it makes it clear that her apology is more about alleviating her own guilt than about Natasha’s pain.

In my own life in 2023 while I had also started my own re-watching of Sex And The City, I had also started a new life. The reasons for it and how that all unraveled and came about is for another time, but for today, I’d like to tell you about all of the NEW. A new job, downtown. A new faith, forever shape-shifting. I gained new friends, though still being weary of how to present myself. A new language. A language very much like the one I was learning in this pop tv show.

This language was unspoken. It was the language of women, of friends, of faithfulness, of faithlessness. It was the language of absence, of silence, of how cruelty can slip from a mouth so effortlessly, dressed up as observation, draped in synthetic silk.

There was a “friend” who talked of love and betrayal. A woman who loved a man who was married to another. And the wife, you see, had stopped wearing makeup. Had stopped shaving. Had stopped—something. Existing in the way the world expects beautiful women to exist? The way we are told we must exist so that the people we love will not stray into other arms. This was explained as if it were a math equation, or something obvious? 

“Look. Look at the photos. Scroll back far enough and you will see the difference”. The before and the after. The acceptable and the unacceptable. The wife and the discarded wife. Look. Do you see how easy it is? A woman lets herself go, and so love lets her go too. Charlotte in Season 3 herself says “How do I land a guy like that? You have to be beautiful and maintain yourself or else he’ll cheat on you."

I listened. I listened as someone who had a husband who was unfaithful as well.  I listened with my whole body, let the words fall like tiny stones into the pit of me. I let them sit there until they dissolved into understanding: This is what some people think it means to be a woman. To be a beautiful woman, one worthy of faithfulness. As if beauty is a currency that, when depleted, bankrupts love. As if a face without makeup is a breach of contract. As if a body with stubble is an invitation for abandonment. As if loyalty is contingent on a woman’s ability to remain a pleasing sight. But, Natasha was in fact beautiful. Naturally beautiful. Poised. Elegant. Smart. A man being unfaithful had nothing to do with which woman is “prettier” or “better”. Big could have cheated with anyone but he chose someone familiar. Someone he knew who had low enough self-esteem that she would go along with it.  

It is something to witness, the bending of morality. The way people make room for their own sins, how they tuck them away into hidden corners where they do not have to be looked at too directly. It is something to listen to, the casual cruelty disguised as conversation.

And it is something to know, truly know, that there are women who will excuse a woman’s suffering simply because they believe she made herself sufferable. 

Reader, I am here to tell you, that if you find yourself in a similar circumstance, you are not the problem. If you find yourself being the Carrie in this situation, don’t give a half-ass apology and/or make them fall and break their face. 

Grieve and Morph and become New. Go Easy, kid. 

Note for reader: And just like that..I left that “friend”.